2020 Musings Before My Second-Born
To my daughter:
My first born. My pregnancy with you consisted of every worry typical of a first time mom with a newly ever-changing body. Every experience with you was a “first”, and this pandemic has been no exception.
With so much uncertainty, you are a constant. I worried through strict quarantine that you’d be bored, and still do as we continue to take life-altering precautions. That I’m not challenging you enough. That you need more. You have a natural habit of bringing me back to reality with every new and exciting thing that you do. You are my rock when it should probably be the other way around.
Emotions are difficult to balance these days. That’ll happen when you mix the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy with motherhood in general, life changes, and a year of complete and utter discord. I’m trying to stay strong for you, because we need to look back on these days as a time that was tough, but nothing we couldn’t conquer. You’ll need that kind of strength someday, in some scenario you never thought you’d find yourself in, and I hope you can draw on stories of this time to find what you need. Do good. Be good. See the good. Allow yourself to stray, but always come back to center. I will always help you do that.
You’re growing up into yourself so quickly. Every day with you is fun, even though some are harder than others. I will always try my best to focus on the fun. These fleeting moments I know I’ll miss soon enough. I’ve been trying to hold on to the “just us” moments with a tight grip. We’ll still make time for “us”, and know you have changed me in ways I never thought possible, and if I do anything right, it’s because of you.
Our dynamic is about to change, but I promise for the better. Siblings are the very best, and you’ll realize that someday. Probably sooner than most, because you already seem so prepared to be the best big sister there is. In just being you, I’m confident your brother has an epic role model to get to know.
I love watching you grow.
To my son:
My second to arrive, but inspired in just as much love. The news of you came just in time. We didn’t realize then that we’d need the anticipation of you to carry us through. We entered a year that would change our lives forever in so many ways, but with your arrival as our epicenter. While the world would shake us, rock us, and at moments, tear us down, you were there to keep us grounded. Your heartbeat served as a metronome to bring me back to tempo.
I photographed myself wearing masks to each appointment to show you our personal journey within history someday. I went alone, as much as Dad yearned to get lost in watching you wiggle on the ultrasound monitor. I made sure to tell him every move you made, and how the ultrasound technician giggled at your attempted back flips and counted your fingers with me. At a time when things felt very clinical, and sickness was always a risk, she made us feel human. She made sure we mattered. That you mattered, and that moment mattered. A true everyday hero whose subtle kindness will be remembered.
You’ll be born during a pandemic. I’ll be tested for COVID-19, and you won’t have the same parade of visitors your sister did simply because they’re not allowed. When they do meet you, they’ll be wearing masks, but soon enough you’ll know their faces. Someday I’ll tell you how unsure this time was, but one thing I’m sure of is how I can’t wait to be your mom. I’ll still worry. I’ll still strive for the delicate, likely impossible balance of keeping you safe and keeping myself of sound mind, because you need that just as much. I’ll question every move I make, just as I have throughout this pregnancy, but we’ll take it day by day together, just as we have been. This pandemic has spiraled my mind down many rabbit holes. I’ll step away from the chaos when it’s in your best interest, while still trying to stay informed. Bear with me.
I hope that one day you’ll be proud of the year you were born and recognize how it will affect the future. You’ll acknowledge your responsibility to always do what’s best for the greater good. You’ll do your part. I hope that love and kindness will conquer hate, and these days of inequity will be no more because of the historic shift we have to work to make happen. We can do that together, and you’ll never be afraid to stand up for what’s good and right. Take pride in the difference you have the chance to make, but recognize what a privilege it is to have that opportunity.
I can’t wait to see your face.
To be continued, kiddos. This is just one chapter of our story.
With love,
Mom
